This is me

By NOOOO means am I Pitchfork, Billboard, or Rolling Stone (circa 1970′s), but I have made somewhat of a name for myself where I get emails from random publicists, managers, and artists I don’t even know with HORRIBLE pitches for me to write about them or have perform on Backyard Brunch Sessions.

It might have been that I’ve been getting a lower tolerance for bullshit, but this one particular email (which I’ve altered for anonymity) just pissed me off, so much that I have to teach people how to pitch properly:

Hi David! I just hopped off a plane from ———- a couple of weeks ago and now I get to write you about the loveliest band ———. They’re coming to play ———- on ———- – I’m so excited!!  As you may know, these guys are preparing to release their [new] full-length album, ——— , later this month. We’re all super excited about it, mostly because the band worked with producer ———- on this one — and he’s responsible for their first three gems,——-. ——–, ———- one of my personal favorites). A little background on the band: Blah blah blah blah blah blah. You may have received advance music already, but let me know if you need me to pass along a stream or watermark. Would love it if you could do something in advance of the show. Thanks!! ———-

Having read that, these are 9 of the many lessons to be learned:

1. Don’t speak like you know the writer unless you actually do.
2. Don’t include overly narcissistic or detailed  band history.
3. Don’t use words like “I’m so excited!!” If you were excited, your words would convey your excitement without actually saying it.
4. Don’t email a new music blogger about a reunion tour.  Use good judgment to look at the blog and know whether or not it makes sense given the type of music they usually write about.
5. Don’t talk about a band without talking about what they sound like and using the words “indie rock band from Brooklyn” or  ”we sound like [insert famous band that you probably sound nothing like]” is just lazy.
6. Don’t email a journalist without thinking, “what’s in it for them?” (ie ticket giveaway for an upcoming show, free merch, guaranteed web traffic, exclusive content).
7. Don’t forget why bloggers got into blogging.  In a lot of cases, they love music, hate their day job, and use the blog as a creative outlet.  Regardless if they’re famous or not, bloggers think they have the best taste in music and/or think their writing is changing the world, so massage their ego more so than telling them your band’s “accomplishments”
8. Don’t forget about hits.  Especially for the larger blogs who live off of ad revenue, they won’t waste their time on most news that’s covered on every other major blog or for a band that won’t generate new or returning traffic to their site getting them more $$$ from impressions/clicks.
9. Don’t spell their name wrong.  This wasn’t the case in this instance but I’ve been addressed as Mr. Chiatt and Mr. Chait in emails before.  A little annoying especially when they want something from me.

Some of those were seemingly obvious, but you’d be surprised how lazy or idiotic some industry folk are…and I’m talking about people who have been in the biz for a while as well as those on the hustle to make a name for themselves or their clients.